Laura Erickson's For the Birds

This is Jim Baker, and guess what! It’s time to announce my annual “Jim Baker Top Movie Awards” for 1998.

Yep. Every year I pick the best movies created by the avian community. We’ve sure had a lot of fine films to choose from this last year. I liked how in Pheasantville, as soon as the drab, dull Ruffed Grouse started feeling emotions, they started turning into colorful Ring-necked Pheasants, but I thought it was irritating how they all had to wear male plumage to make the point. They should have had Gray Jays turn into Blue Jays instead. Everyone knows that Blue Jays are rich in emotion and spunk and the joy of living, and a lot prettier than pheasants.

Jayspeare in Love was a silly romp making fun of human gender roles. Jays find it amazing that human women used to be banned from acting. In that big climactic scene where Gwyneth Palcrow had to dress like a male actor pretending to be Jayliet showed just how ridiculous we humans can be.

Saving Private Jay was just a bit too graphic for my taste. Frankly, birds just don’t belong in war flicks. Real hawks are way too sensible to get involved in wars. They leave it to the gentle but stupid doves to carry the messages that keep the fighting going on. So I skipped The Thin Red Line altogether. The human film Life Is Beautiful was perfect just the way it was. Not even Blue Jays could improve on that one.

This year’s runaway avian flick favorite, of course, was the great film based on the tragic sinking of the ocean liner, Gigantic, starring Leonardo de-capped Chickadee and Kate Wrenslet. Listen to this moving scene:

Jack! I’m flying! Whiskey Jack, look at me! I can fly!
Of course you can–you’re a bird!

And how about this memorable scene from A Bird’s Life:

Look at me! I’m a beautiful butterfly!
Oh, my God! They killed Heimlich! You Blue Jay!!

But the best movie of the year, of course, was Doctor Doo-verylittle: Avian Orthodontist. Here’s a clip:

Next! … Open wide.

Nurse Jim, this patient has no teeth. Next!

Nurse Jim, this patient has no teeth. What’s going on? Next.

Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not an ornithologist.

Yep, 1998 was a great year for movies. And just remember, next time you’re hunkered down in your cabin watching videos with your favorite Blue Jays, munch on the treat that Siskin and Egret both give beaks up to, Baker’s Blue Jay Blend.

That was the Not-Photogenic Enough for Television Players, featuring John Keenan and Joe Erickson.