Laura Erickson’s For the Birds

VIRGINIA RAIL: We’re back in Yellowhammer, Norway, for this final recap of this year’s Winter Bird Olympics. I’m Virginia Rail, and with me right now is Jim Baker, the controversial manager of America’s Blue Jay team, which competed in several of this year’s events. Jim, I bet you were pretty proud of that bobsledding team of yours.

JIM BAKER: Yep, they did themselves proud, especially against those Falkland Island penguins.

VIRGINIA RAIL: The team was the world champions coming into the Olympics. They actually protested your team’s victory, didn’t they, on grounds that the Jays’ sled was weighted unfairly.

JIM BAKER: Those whiners just didn’t want to accept that a team of three ounce jays could win on talent and ability against sheer poundage of a pack of penguins.

VIRGINIA RAIL: Some spectators did testify that they saw an awful lot of Baker’s Blue Jay Blend inside your team’s sled after the race.

JIM BAKER: What if a couple of my jays tossed their cookies in all the excitement? It’s just sour grapes. Anyway, if you want to talk about highway robbery, take a look at that ice dancing final.

VIRGINIA RAIL: Many people did find it odd that the Mexican Hummingbird team took the gold.

JIM BAKER: Odd isn’t the word for it. That judging stunk to high heaven. Those dinky hummers were flashy and quick, nothing more. They obviously didn’t understand the rules of ice dancing. For one thing, they were hardly ever in physical contact—they belong in synchronized flying, not ice dancing! And did you notice that every time they did a spin, they rose way above the ice? If that wasn’t hovering, I don’t know what is.

VIRGINIA RAIL: Hovering is clearly against the rules, but wasn’t your team accused of bending the rules as far as lifts go?

JIM BAKER: Orville and Jean were just feeling a little exuberant. They have all the grace and style that’s supposed to exemplify ice dancing and it stinks that a pair of gaudy little twerps stole it. The best thing about the whole mess was the awards ceremony. I’ve never seen anything like those two overdressed clowns flailing around under the weight of their medals. My Blue Jays held their heads high, even wearing that heavy bronze.

VIRGINIA RAIL: Your team is famous worldwide for their grace and style. What makes Blue Jays such fine ice dancers?

JIM BAKER: Well, it’s all in the little intangibles. How they hold that jaunty little crest when they come out of a spin, the perky angle that they hold their tail feathers, the bright but understated plumage, the delicate but powerful ankles and superb sense of balance. Plus, they have an infectious good humor that gets any audience on their side. Put that together with discipline and hard work and you have a gold team, even if the judges were too blasted ignorant to notice.

VIRGINIA RAIL: Jim, what’s in the future for your Blue Jay team? Think they’ll ever enter the biathlon?

JIM BAKER: No way would I even consider it. not while those Peregrine Falcon thugs are running the whole thing. They’ve been known more than once to swoop down on the opposition and eat them up.

VIRGINIA RAIL: How about luge?

JIM BAKER: Are you kidding? Don’t you think Blue Jays would look pretty stupid laying flat on their backs on a sled? Anyway, a good luge race is about more than just speed—it’s also about grace and style. You just can’t beat those Brazilian flamingos that toeing in on a luge. As far as I’m concerned, they’ll have supremacy in that event for decades to come.

VIRGINIA RAIL: What about hockey?

JIM BAKER: Funny thing, my Blue Jays just don’t see the point to hockey. They refuse to waste their time chasing a stupid puck around. Now if they could make it edible, or at least a shiny color, the jays might be real contenders. even against this year’s gold team, Sweden’s Yellow-rumpled Warriors.

VIRGINIA RAIL: Any plans for one of your Jays to try ladies figure skating?

JIM BAKER: Not while you media people keep harping about that Tonya Starling and Nancy Ptarmigan situation.

VIRGINIA RAIL: Thanks, Jim. That about wraps up—

JIM BAKER: Yo—wait a minute. Don’t forget about my feed store, Baker’s Blue Jay Barn, Up the Shore a Ways.

VIRGINIA RAIL: Thanks again, Jim. That about wraps up this year’s coverage of the Winter Bird Olympics. Stay tuned for your local and national news. Our top story tonight: Lorena Bobwhite was acquitted today on all charges of mutilating her husband when her attorney, Perry Racin Pigeon, called a surprise witness to the stand. Respected surgeon Dr. Richard Kildeer testified under oath that like most male birds, John Bobwhite never had a p**** in the first place.

(That cuckoo clock sound was because KUMD would not allow me to say the word “penis” on the air.)